newly poor (Page 3)

In July, I announced I was starting a new “no groceries challenge” for myself. Then my older daughter’s birthday came along and I just generally forgot about my challenge. I remembered enough that I thought about it when I went to the supermarket, but I still went. In fact, in July, I was over my groceries budget for the month.
Progress not perfection. I re-started. On August 6th, we got fruit, eggs, milk, and a couple other things. Yesterday, on the 13th, we got fruit, kohlrabi, bread, and salad greens. I haven’t been up to our garden lately so running low on fresh veggies during the summer has been weird.
Being back on the real no-groceries challenge has been exciting, again. I’ve had many, many times when I’m getting lunches packed up for summer camps and I think, shoot, I should go grab xyz and instead I find something already on my shelves. I’m being more careful about not wasting, too. For example, the not-eaten pita from camp lunch got toasted and will be used to scoop hummus.
Today I’m going to buy some bacon. We have some garden tomatoes, you see, so bacon is important. (Ha.) With the bread and greens I got yesterday, we’ll have BLTs for dinner tonight. Yum.
Then it’s back to no-groceries for as long as we can swing it. My finances are precariously low. The big savings plan I had been working on has had to be put on hold; I’m keeping the accounts active with their $5 balances. I believe I’ll get back to the place where I can save. In any case, choosing to not spend is so much better than not having the option. I’m grateful I have the luxury to make this almost a game.
The depleting supplies are making me think seriously about what I might bake or cook and freeze… we have leftovers from the birthday party make-your-own-sundaes and those could go into cookies… mmmm…
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Today I needed cat food. I would be at the supermarket for that, so I also got fresh fruit. Walking through the store felt similar to what it felt like when I first got into recovery for alcoholism. It wasn’t that I was going to buy things, it’s that I felt really drawn to “I’ll just get one thing.” All of those “one thing” items were things I didn’t need. I didn’t buy those unneeded items, but it took concentration and mindfulness to focus on my task: buying fresh fruit and cat food.IMG_0269
One of the greatest benefits of these no groceries challenges I set out for myself is I start using what I already have in more efficient ways. We eat leftovers rather than forgetting them until they’ve gone bad. I’ve dug into the deep freezer and found plenty of yummy things, like apple cider I froze when it was fresh in the fall and many bags of par-boiled chard and kale from the summer’s garden. I’d forgotten what I’d put in that freezer. Little containers of Girl Scout Cookies, even! Yum.
So, once again, I’m finding that having a choice matters. I’m choosing to not go to the grocery store to “shop.” I’m choosing to not even step foot in the market unless there is an item we actually need. It’s educational and illuminating. It’s not terrifying, it’s liberating.
I’m reminded again and again of what a luxury it is to be making this choice. I’m still haunted by the overwhelming fear I felt in those days when I didn’t know how I would get groceries. I think of all of the people who are so deep in real poverty that the quicksand keeps pulling them back in no matter how hard they try to get out. I am so lucky that it was temporary, that I had resources—including SNAP/food stamps—to get through that time.
I’m eager to see how long I go without buying things we don’t need, those things that will be nice to have (I’ve got no bubbly water, but I’ll survive). The no groceries challenge is saving us money, making me grateful, and is certainly good for the environment. Plus, I found those Girl Scout cookies!

Today I went to the market. I got two apples, one blood orange, two avocados, Portland garbage bags, and toilet paper.
I had a $5 coupon from my last purchase (“cheat“) on the 20th, so my total spent was just over $16. The only items I actually needed were the trash bags and toilet paper.
IMG_0117IMG_0116We’re on target to stay away from the market for a while with the occasional exception of fresh fruit for my daughters.
As has happened every time, I’m learning a lot about how my mind works related to food and consumption.

In May of 2013, I imposed a “no groceries” rule on myself to see how long I could go without going to the supermarket. I learned quite a bit more than I expected. I repeated the challenge in less stringent forms a couple more times. (To view those posts, you can visit the “no groceries” category on this site.)
With the full involvement of my daughters, we’re embarking on the challenge again. Two weeks of summer camp (paid for with scholarship money) for the last two or three years aren’t available this summer. This means decreased childcare and increased expenses. With some good luck and some good choices, I’m not currently facing the threat of negative bank balances. But, bills will come due. Without some drastic budget cutting or with some bad luck, it could be dire.
Most of my expenses are fixed (rent, phone, Internet, tuition, insurance). One area where we have some control is food. I don’t expect it will make all the difference we need as I look towards the challenges of summer, but as it was before, just the actions themselves—knowing I can do something—keeps me on the side of gratitude rather than fear.
Full disclosure: I will not have a zero-tolerance rule for this challenge. We’ll get fresh fruits and vegetables as we need them, and, after a chunk of time going without (almost) entirely, if there are one or two ingredients that will make a meal complete, I’ll get them. No “grocery shopping,” at all. No remembering “I need x or y” when I’m picking up a prescription, etc. No “I wish we had a frozen pizza, I am so bleeping tired…” purchases.
We went to Hannaford today which I only recently learned has much better prices than the Shaw’s we had been using (I assumed grubby = cheaper!) and stocked up on some staples like dried beans and kale (to parboil and freeze) as well as some perishables that will last like tofu and sweet potatoes. We’re ready.

Note: As I’ve written about in my Bangor Daily News column, I don’t consider myself truly poor. I hope to use my experience with poverty to help other people (who haven’t experienced it) understand poverty better.

Today I received two envelopes from DHHS. We no longer qualify for food stamps. I’m not panicked, but I am a little worried. My financial situation has improved and my benefits have been only $14 a month for some time so on the surface it’s not a dramatic cut. However, as a food stamps recipient there are other benefits that will now cost me money. School lunches will no longer be free. I also won’t qualify for several scholarships for my children’s activities.
More than this relatively costly change, though, the mail contained what I now know is a very typical mixed and confusing kind of message from the DHHS. As you can see here, both packets contained information about our eligibility for MaineCare.
IMG_0132 IMG_0133We all qualify. Oh, no. We don’t qualify. Yes, we do! No, we don’t.
At this point, I suspect I don’t qualify but my daughters will. This means I will have the help to cover the co-pays required by their father’s health insurance plan. That makes a good difference for me (if they are actually covered).
In this report from DHHS, none of my childcare expenses are showing even though I entered them in my last recertification submission. Does this mean they no longer count? Does it mean something got dropped? I will need to call to find out, in case it makes a difference in the equation. One phone call alone is unlikely, based on my experience, to give me a helpful answer. It will also very likely take at least 15 minutes just to get someone on the phone to answer my questions, if I don’t get disconnected by their phone system several times as I’m on hold (which happened to me more than a few times).
And, finally, did you know these benefits are determined based on gross annual income? As my business grows in significant ways (yay!), my costs also grow (necessary boo). In fact, last year, more than 60% of my income went to expenses like my assistant, subcontractors, essential database subscriptions, and website maintenance, for example. My income didn’t really increase very much in the end. That doesn’t matter to DHHS as they don’t consider expenses in their calculations.
I’m not desperate, and there is no crisis right now. But, I am now in a much more precarious position. These new $20± items add up quickly. Loss of a larger client, or when (not if) my 215k-miles car breaks down for good, my financial situation will be dire. Despite this, I’m able to know that we’ll make it through okay. I know this because because of my experience as a person who comes from privilege. I know it will get better and I have the skills and support systems to get me through the scary times. Most truly poor people don’t have my advantages.
Where I am now is frightening, but I won’t lose hope. Living day-to-day without the knowledge that things will get better—while they won’t get better for most people living in real poverty—would be nearly impossible to survive.