to my friend who hates it when people accuse him of microaggressions

A few minutes ago I wrote a quick but sort of long reply to a friend on Facebook. He’s a friend I’ve known online for almost twenty years. He’s quite progressive and was always on the same side as me in the heated debates of Usenet in the 90s. He replied to a link I shared in a way that disappointed me, though. I felt like this wasn’t the guy I knew, so I wanted to know more. I told him how I felt about his reply, and it came up that he dislikes the term “microaggressions” because people jump on him for apparently using them. As I said, I just replied to him. I like my reply a lot, so I’m going to share it here:

I think liberals who feel “woke” or that they’ve got some better and deeper understandings about racism, including their own racism are eager to share their new-found knowledge. I think they do this in different ways and for different reasons. (Gonna stop saying “I think” and assume you know it’s there.) In many cases, they’re so riled up with a passion to fix things that they jump on any situation that they now see as problematic and begin accusing.

Accusing, rather than mindfully discussing, does a couple things. It gives the accuser a feeling of power, like, I CAN DO SOMETHING! and it’s energizing. The accuser also gets to distance themselves from their own remaining racism. THAT person is still racist and I see it because I’m SO not racist!

I also think that microaggressions are so pervasive, insidious, and crazy-making (they are a lot like Gas Lighting, if you know that concept?) that accusing someone of using microaggressions probably isn’t all that helpful. They’re really slippery and hard to pin down.

What I’d do, if I saw someone doing something that felt like a microaggression to me (for me, it’s a feeling or intuition, not a factual thing) I might say something to them about how I felt and how I think the feeling came from those words or actions. I’d definitely not accuse or shame someone.

If the conversation went on and the context made it appropriate, I might talk about what “microaggression” means to me.

So, when your fellow liberals jump on you for doing something that seems extreme or ridiculous, I suspect it’s mostly about their own need to feel better and empowered. But, if you are disturbed by their accusations, I also suspect (as I said about your reaction to the linked article) there’s probably some uglier truth for you in the accusations. I don’t think anyone can make you want to dig into it unless you are curious.

And, finally, it’s an unfortunate problem (among many) that people who are trying so hard to make our communities more equitable are actually just kind of fucking things up even more. Giving a bad name to good information.

1 thought on “to my friend who hates it when people accuse him of microaggressions

  1. I’m liking this cuz it’s you. Is that wrong? :)

    You’re also one of the extremely few I will click on the snippet to read the whole post ~ with most bloggers, if the entire post doesn’t appear in my reader, I’m eff that bai.

    I despise the term “microaggression” and use it only as a joke. Pretty sure I can guess who else disliked it. But I admit to probably being offended by some minor nits myself. That’s life… we’re all inconsistent in one way or another. I don’t expect anyone to change for me. If someone loves/cares about me, maybe they’ll try. Whatev. I try not to deliberately offend friends and loved ones. And if someone asks me nicely not to do/say something because [reason that affects them directly], I will likely comply.

    But if someone tells me that they are taking offense at me for some minor word usage on behalf of people that haven’t read me and aren’t likely to because that someone fancies him or herself as the arbiter of All The Good Ways, well… you’ll probably be able to guess my response to that. :)

Leave a Reply