Down near the ocean floor again. Still dark. The surface light glows way, way way up there. I see it, feel it, know it’s there but I’m deep in the tangles of the seaweed forest. I move and breathe. Breathe. I breathe inhale breathe exhale breathe and move even more slowly more slowly watching the kelp sway and wrap around my arm wrist thigh I move with it and we move together and I have stopped fighting.
In this dark place I’m not struggling anymore. I have released into the streaming soft ropes leaves silks of the seaweed and I know the light is here. I tried and tried so hard to get myself back up to the sun, the real they say the real light that counts the only light that really counts they say, I should be up there where it is bright clear open air not down in this dark tangle but it’s light here, too. I am here in the dark tangles flowing around, just here, not trying to be somewhere else where I should I should should should I should be.
I turn slowly. I feel what it’s like to turn almost all the way around, slow-motion in thick light water. I feel the kelp wrapping tightly and loosely and tighter still over here but barely touching down here. I turn back the other way and feel the weeds getting looser all around and I am moving more and I see the glowing dim light up there and the should should should tells me to go force get go myself up there but it is quiet here and my self outside me knows that this good place is what I want where I want what I need this good place.
2012-06-23