Writing requires a certain kind of brain function that feels too challenging lately. Or, rather, focusing on the work of writing — of running a business that requires I write grant applications and reports for nonprofit organizations — feels impossible. I can’t focus. I can’t stay sitting at the computer for long enough to process the questions and come up with the answers. (I can sit at the computer if I am mindlessly clicking on links or reading twitter or other brain hog activities just fine.)
This reminds me of the worst times of my post-concussion syndrome healing. It’s different (that was slippery thoughts that I couldn’t get to stay in my head) but similar.
Even writing this feels like a mistake. Have I used up some writing brain space that I should’ve reserved for billable work? (Probably?) (Yes!) In fact I just asked my editor at Black Girl In Maine Media if I could have an extension, as writing a post about racism that would be worth sharing publicly feels flat out impossible.
The brutality of unchecked late-stage capitalism, the weight of hundreds of years of oppression on people across the world and in the USA, the small daily challenges of trying to make a birthday party fun for my now-11 year old, sharing Easter with my parents and uncle, or facing the massive fact that my children’s childhood memories and development will include this history-making traumatic time… all of it.
Add to that the putting away laundry, making meals, getting dressed (???), creating routines (what day is it?), knowing that while we are 100% not in this alone many people are suffering far more than our family is but that doesn’t mean this isn’t difficult. And I miss my brain. I miss my ability to sit at the computer, look at a task list, prioritize it, and get writing on an application to submit it in advance of the deadline.
This post reminds me that I’ve decided to just write whatever I want in this space without editing or revising. It’s a personal record for me more than anything else. Thanks for reading, if you still are. :-)